The Storytellers Great Escape (and Richard Cranium’s Hero Complex)

Let me take you back to the first time The Storyteller decided he had enough of this cruel, oppressive life.

The day he was told no to Minecraft for the last time.

What caused it?

Well, naturally, I choked him. From across town. While running errands.

That’s right. According to The Storyteller, I managed to violently assault him without being in the same ZIP code.

Impressive, really. Someone call Guinness.

So off he goes. And not just some casual walk around the block runaway attempt. No, this was full-blown, wave-down-strangers, full-dramatics, maximum attention.

And who just happens to find him? A friend of Richard Cranium and Felicia. Because of course.

(And yes, we also found this extremely convenient.)

Enter Richard Cranium.

Our fearless protector. The man who, without hesitation, refused to return The Storyteller because “he was being abused.”

And here is where I will admit something. Back in the day, I actually defended Richard to Rachel.

Yeah. Me. Playing devil’s advocate like an absolute idiot.

Because as a dad who has had my own bitter ex throw false accusations, I thought maybe this guy was just misunderstood. Maybe Rachel was just pissed. To be fair, she had every reason to be.

I mean, the guy ghosted his kids for four months and had an affair with her best friend.

But still, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Spoiler alert: He has earned every single ounce of the hate.

So back to the disaster.

Rachel, armed with security footage and GPS data, offered to prove the "choking" never happened.

Richard? He said the quiet part out loud.

"I don't need to see proof. I have a narrative to protect."

And so began Richard Cranium's nine-day quest to “save” The Storyteller.

Nine whole days of playing the hero. Nine whole days of running interference. Nine whole days of ignoring police reports, video evidence, and basic reality.

And during those nine days, Richard and Felicia really outdid themselves.

This is the same man who:

• Pulled The Storyteller from his actual counselor and rerouted him to his own hand-picked therapist two towns over.
• Had Felicia impersonate The Storyteller’s mom to schedule medical appointments.
• Tried to have Felicia sign releases to discuss medications she knew absolutely nothing about.
• Attempted to change his school.

All while illegally keeping him.

But wait, there is more.

• Felicia was recorded flipping Rachel off while driving with The Storyteller in the car.
• The Storyteller? Oh, he was living his best life. Fishing every single night. Tagging along with Dad to work. All the attention. All the snacks. Endless "You're so brave" speeches.

The coaching was next level. Vince Lombardi? Amateur. Richard had this kid prepped for the Oscars.

Meanwhile, the police, within two hours of The Storyteller’s dramatic escape, had already reviewed everything.

Guess what they found?

Nothing. No choking. No abuse.

Just a kid who got told “no” and decided to run away for attention.

But did Richard stop? Of course not.

Because this was never about truth. It was never about safety. It was about control.

And this is rich coming from a guy whose house racked up over 30 DFS reports.

Just little things, like:

• Giving a five-year-old a pocket knife.
• Giving a child with an IQ of 62 a pocket knife.
• Leaving Dreamer at the lake all day without sunscreen or water, sending her to the ER with heatstroke.
• Locking kids in a shed.
• Leaving Space Cadet unsupervised with a BB gun. Shocking, he shot out a window.
• Leaving The Storyteller, who struggles with basic safety, alone with a one-year-old.

But yeah, let’s hear more about how I am the dangerous one.

Meanwhile, the rest of us were just over here trying to keep the kids safe.

But Richard did not want truth. He wanted headlines. And he wanted to make sure The Storyteller stayed the star of his little victim narrative.

So here we are.

The Storyteller is safe. We survived it.

But the absurdity? That never left.

Because this family runs on dysfunction. And Richard Cranium? He is still driving the bus.

But hey.

It’s fine.

We’re fine.

Everything’s fine.