Meet the Cast (Fake Names, Real Chaos)

Before we drag you any deeper into this disaster, let’s meet the cast behind the endless police visits, baseless reports, and enough drama to keep a therapist booked for life.

Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
And to make sure the guilty get properly mocked.

The Home Team:

Liam

Dad. Stepfather. Narrator. Alleged “abuser” according to the local fan club of pathological liars.

Full-time chaos coordinator, part-time human punching bag.

Just trying to survive long enough to see a week without police involvement.

Rebecca

Mom. Stepmom. The glue holding this whole mess together with nothing but sheer willpower and a color-coded calendar.

Hated by the entire ex-collection simply for having standards.

The Kids:

The Stray Kid

Living proof that normal can survive in chaos.

Buried in her phone. Living in her headphones. Obsessed with music.

Actively ignoring the disaster unfolding around her while silently setting the only positive example in the building.

The Dreamer

Master overthinker. Either panicking about the apocalypse or daydreaming about horses and oceans.

Precious, anxious, and constantly in need of reassurance that everything is fine. (It’s not, but we tell her it is.)

The Storyteller

Fantasy novelist in the making when not battling Ender dragons.

Known for barefoot escape artistry and providing law enforcement with creative fiction.

Currently holding the household record for Most Dramatic False Allegation.

Big Feelings

Holding down a slot in residential care with most billable dollars to insurance.

Zero chill. Maximum volume. All heart.

Every meltdown comes with a side of "Why is this happening to me?" (Even when she started it.)

PhD in mood swings.

Space Cadet

Latest star of our recurring segment: "Was That Child Choked, Or Did Dad Prevent a Broken Foot?"

Found starting sibling fights due to high intelligence and boredom or glued to Mom's hip.

The Cat

Once innocent. Now possibly planning world domination.

Career goal: become an actual cat.

Honestly? Same.

Happy Baby

Smiling. Unbothered. Completely unaware of the generational trauma brewing around her.

Baby TBD

Currently in production.

Probably considering staying inside since they’ve heard from the womb what’s happening out here.

The Exes & Extras:

Richard Cranium

Self-declared hero. Four years into a divorce he refuses to finalize.

Keeps busy filing police reports, dodging facts, and making himself the victim of a story no one else is watching.

Special skills include ignoring evidence and repeating himself loudly.

Jessica

Always angry. Never present. No custody. Selectively sober.

Outraged over not getting real-time residential care updates, but let’s be real—she wouldn’t read them even if she did.

Owns more excuses than responsibilities.

Felicia

The harlot herself. Former best friend turned side chick.

Proud member of the Homewrecker Hall of Fame.

Hates the kids. Hates Rebecca more.

Made time between hair appointments to leave a death threat on a blocked number.

If you’re wondering what level of delusion it takes to get involved in this chaos, just ask Felicia.

Oh wait—never mind. Bye, Felicia.

Ruth

Liam’s first ex. Co-parenting MVP. Stray Kids mom.

Proof that peace is possible if you’re not hellbent on creating problems.

Mostly watching the show from the sidelines with snacks and judgment.

With guest appearances from Grandma and other friends.

And that’s the squad.

We love these kids. We protect them.
The adults?
Well… let’s just say they give us plenty of material.

Dark humor is how we survive this mess.
Sarcasm is our love language.
And no, we’re not interested in playing nice.

Because it’s fine.

We’re fine.

Everything’s fine.