How Richard Cranium Turned a Birth Certificate Into a Weapon

So here’s a fun fact. If a woman is married when she has a baby, the state just slaps her husband’s name on the birth certificate unless he signs a paper saying he’s not the father. Doesn’t matter if the guy isn’t even in the same room when the kid is conceived. If he doesn’t personally deny paternity, boom, his name is there.

We found this out the hard way when we tried adding our baby to insurance. Turns out, the state decided that since Rebecca was still technically married to Richard Cranium when she gave birth, his name got put on the birth certificate. You know, Richard Cranium. The guy who had nothing to do with this baby. The same guy who lives to make our lives miserable.

So we message him. We let him know we have a mobile notary ready to meet him at school drop-off. He wouldn’t even have to get out of his truck. Just sign the paper, be done, move on with life.

Seems easy, right?

Nope. Because being difficult for no reason is his entire personality.

The Art of Being a Jackass

His response:

"Sure, have the kids in my truck by 3 and that shouldn’t be a problem."

Couple problems with that, genius.

• School doesn’t even release until 3. No, we are not pulling them out early for your convenience.
• One of the children has an appointment until 3. The one that used to be until 3:30 until Father of the Year decided medical care is a Mom’s Time problem.
• He doesn’t even have paperwork allowing him to pick them up from school. Because he refuses to sign the damn papers that would let him.

So we point out these very basic scheduling conflicts. Does he adjust? No. He just flat-out refuses to sign.

Richard Cranium’s Next Brilliant Move

So we tell him fine, we’ll take it to Child Support and let them handle it legally. His response?

"I’ll just get another car seat."

Excuse me?

Because it sure as hell isn’t his baby. He has zero rights to her. No claim, no custody, nothing. The only way he could even try to see her is if he takes us to court and fights for it.

Do we want his money? No. Everybody knows this isn’t his kid. But when you’re a controlling, manipulative asshole, this nonsense seems like a good move.

So now, we’re just waiting for Child Support to do their thing and force him to sign the damn paper so we can get her back on insurance and erase his name from her birth certificate forever.

And here’s the best part—if they decide he owes child support before it gets fixed?

He doesn’t get reimbursed.

This man, who proudly claims he “pays my mortgage,” might want to start budgeting for our next vacation, because that’s exactly where his check is going.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

The Divorce? Still Stuck in Limbo

As if that wasn’t enough, he’s now decided he doesn’t like how taxes are being handled.

So guess what? Divorce delayed again.

Because of course it is.

Because nothing says “healthy co-parenting” like dragging out a divorce just to be a pain in the ass.

And as the cherry on top of this shit sundae, we get a long-winded text from him lecturing Rebecca on how she’s a bad mother.

"You hate me more than you love these kids. Until you can grow up and properly love these kids, protect these kids… this is how it will be."

Ah yes. The classic manipulative guilt trip from the guy who:

• Uses legal loopholes to control people.
• Ignores his kids’ medical needs if it’s on His Time™.
• Refuses to sign a paper that fixes a state error.
• Is delaying the divorce for absolutely no reason.

Because he’s the victim here.

Absolutely not.

Why This Man Gets No Respect

All of this could be solved with one signature.

But Richard Cranium would rather be difficult than reasonable.

He’d rather control than co-parent.

He’d rather punish Rebecca than prioritize his own children.

And this right here?

This is why he gets called Richard Cranium in this blog.

But hey,

It’s fine.

We’re fine.

Everything’s fine.